Truth is....

Truth is…

I'm tired. Tired of talking about this nigga, and tired of thinking about these indiscretions. I'm tired of the emails, the inboxes, the texts and the calls. Tired of questioning myself. Part of me feels I should have just left peacefully and never talked to him again. Another part of me questions if I should have left at all...I mean two can play any game. And technically, we weren't in a relationship so it was kinda whatever, right? I'm tired of going to my doctor and seeing his favorite coffee shop. Shit I'm tired of going to my Doctor-I’ve had more STD tests in the last 60 days than I have all of my life; at least three of those chicks seem shaky as fuck, and I’m too old baby, I swear I’m too old. I'm tired of hearing Bryson Tiller (because I was never a fan prior to him) and reminiscing on the living room concerts or the early days when he would send me his favorite videos letting me know he was thinking about me. I'm tired of getting dressed knowing that the entire outfit from the panties on out was for him... my whole wardrobe is different. I'm the graphic tee, skinny jean, converse or flip flop chick...currently, I catch myself wearing heels to Aldi's; he groomed me.

I still haven't cried about the situation. Now, him googling me and sharing his “findings” with his live-in chick in an attempt to hurt and “expose” me definitely made me cry. Only because I would never, and be clear his background is on FIRE, including some very suspect activity in 2018...but I never thought to expose him. That was one line I didn't want to cross but he still….Outside of that, there's nothing to cry about.

I didn't love him. In actuality I didn't know him (and he didn’t know me).  It was 120 days from start to finish, so there are no physical or emotional ties….but these damn soul ties aka demons, ba-by. That shit is a real thing and if the work isn't done; it will definitely consume you.

I am so tired of being forced to think and talk about the situation ...But I opened this door. I invited the world into this piece of my life so talking about this mess, unfortunately has become part of it.

But I’m fucking tired. The energy I find myself giving him and this bullshit; it's too much. In all transparency, it's seriously disturbing my vibe, my energy, my vibration. I called my therapist.

At this point; its business. And one thing for certain, I am A business, so the beat must go on. But still. I'm tired.

On day 36 of my demon detox as I prepare for the Roundtable part 2-which I more than likely am going to postpone AGAIN; I am finally admitting this shit is too fucking much. The attention that I am giving him simply feeds into his narcissistic need to be desired and to be the center of attention; and although I miss the fantasy of the US he created, there's nothing to desire. For 90 days I had an amazing time, with a pseudo amazing man and you couldn't have told me he wasn't the one; but in hindsight, I was tripping...and vulnerable and that is exactly how I got into this space with him in the beginning-narcissists can smell vulnerability a mile away. I was easy prey.

So, in conclusion, I REALLY wanna stop talking about this shit. But there's too much skin in the game. Daily I receive messages from women who state that they appreciate my vulnerability, that they too have been in similar situations, and that me standing in my truth is the vindicaion they need. I receive messages from men confessing to similar behaviors...but after reading the blog and watching the roundtable, they have been able to see things from the side of the female-they've apologized to me...and their victims..

So many new connections have been made. So many doors have been opened. So much money has been made.

I won't stop, because the story is the story.

But I AM TIRED.

I swear I am….

The Uglier Side of the Truth...the countdown is on.